walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
