Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
