A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
