i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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