70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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