I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
