once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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