Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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