Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
