I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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