I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
