I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
