How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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