If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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