my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
