You're my little dorito
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
