If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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