watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
