i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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