Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
