Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
