I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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