i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
