just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
