if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
there is glitter all over my balls
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