You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
