Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
