im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
