She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
