Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
