I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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