yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
