I think my vagina is haunted
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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