At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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