My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
