you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
