She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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