FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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