What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
