the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
We just shotgunned beers for America
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
