I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
