Tell her she can't have a vagina
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
