i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
