she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
