I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
