I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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