i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
