All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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