You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Randomize
