I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
