i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
