Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
