I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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