i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
